The Rodeo Is In Town

I know, L.A. is so close to Vegas, and so many people come here to buy expensive crap in expensive malls that you're probably thinking this article is about Rodeo (row-DAY-oh). It ain't, pardner. It's about the real sh*t-kicking, bull-riding, calf-roping Wrangler National Finals Rodeo.

The rodeo comes to town early December every year, and really helps to smooth out what would otherwise be a VERY slow month. It's not busy compared to the peak season, or Superbowl Sunday, but it ain't as empty as it could be either.

I noticed some things:

1: Cowgirls

Cowgirls tend to be very pretty. Maybe the ugly ones couldn't get anyone to take them to the Rodeo, but
that's what I saw. When they dress fancy it's hard to describe the clothes they wear, because it's kind of halfway between a ball gown and something you might see on Little House On The Prarie, but like I said, they are pretty, so it works. When they are not dressed up they tend towards jeans and t-shirts or those shirts that are really underwear worn outside.

Cowgirls like to drink, and they like to dance. In fact, I was saw two drunken cowgirls dancing to a by-stander's cell phone ringtone. His Motorola played the first 8 notes of some dance song, and the girls finished the entire song, dancing the whole time.

Favorite drinks tend to come in bottles, although size and color varied. Highest on the list would be beer and the ultra-expensive malt liquor drinks (Zima, et. al.) from what I saw.

Cowgirls also smell nice, and each wear a different perfume. Perhaps there is a registry where they can each choose a scent that doesn't duplicate another girl's choice, or maybe Tractor Supply has an enormous perfume section for them to choose from with little chance of duplication.

If you want to pick up a cowgirl I suggest being very tall, very thin, and wearing a cowboy hat. A belt buckle large enough to guide landing aircraft seems to help as well.

2: Cowboys

Cowboys tend to be almost universally tall, thin, and wear cowboy hats. Most also have belt buckles large enough to guide landing aircraft, so maybe they've already read this article. There is an older, heavier-set sect of Cowboys that seem to buck the trends. Somehow they all seem to be called "Pa", and I can't imagine how they keep straight which "Pa" they're talking about at any given moment.

Cowboys, as I have mentioned, come with Cowboy hats pre-installed. I noticed two things about these hats. First, most cowboys did not remove their hats indoors, or in the presence of a Cowgirl, despite what you see on TV. Second, these hats come in two colors, white and black. The younger crowd, who I'm sure would swear on a stack of Bibles that they did not like Garth Brooks, seemed to prefer the black hats, while the slightly older crowd wore white. The truly older "Pa"s wore baseball caps with beer, fishing, and Nascar related markings. Perhaps with age comes the wisdom that these hats look kind of silly. Other then age, I'm not sure what the significance of the hat color is. Perhaps they serve as tribal identification, and are worn as badges and flags in preparation for an upcoming white hat/black hat battle. If this is the case, the fight must be far off, for I saw white hats and black hats mixing freely. Cowgirls did not seem to show any preference towards hat color, while Cowboys showed a distinct preference towards Cowgirls with blond hair. I'm sure there's something important here, but it's hidden from me.

Cowboys, like Cowgirls, also smell nice. Not that I go around sniffing people, but elevators being as small as they are and all...

OK, I go around sniffing people.

The neat thing is, Cowboy cologne is always applied in the perfect amount. I can only imagine the measuring apparatus they use to put it on in the morning. Unlike many of my coworkers these Cowboys do not present asphixiation issues in close quarters.

Which leads me to my next point. When I first saw these hordes of young, tall, thin, hatted, buckled Cowboys walking around with their rugged clothes and their rugged 7-o-clock shadows, my first thought was "These rapscallions do not appear to be the type of knave with whom I should engage in roughhousing and violence." (Yes, I think in the Queen's English. Is that a problem?). This more-rugged-then-me feeling continued until i noticed that they had all, to a man, with military perfection, ironed their jeans. Now, I'm sure I could take them, if only because I'd be much less worried about wrinkling my jeans or coming away with an imperfect amount of cologne applied. I suspect this is one reason a Cowboy only needs to ride a bull for 8 seconds, as that is not nearly enough time to cause a wrinkle, which might delay the entire Rodeo as the victim is forced to re-press his denim wear.

Cowboys drink beer. The more literate ones will drink something with a long name like "Miller", while the less educated stick to "Pabst" or "Bud" for those with real distaste of literature. The only time a Cowboy will have a drink in his hand that is not beer is when he is bringing it to a Cowgirl.

3: Entertainment

During the NFR there is only one kind of entertainment in Vegas, stuff people who go to rodeo's like. Expect the guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Expect Bikini Bull riding and Mud Wrasslin' and Bikini Boot Polishing. (I'll admit, my boots have never been shinier.) This isn't a crowd that goes to The Star Trek Experience or Cirque Du Soliel. If something isn't getting shot, tied up, wearing a bikini, or making fun of foreigners, this crowd doesn't want to know about it.

4: And the point was?

Hey, this is a Rambling for a reason. If it had a point it would be a review, now wouldn't it? Don't say I didn't warn you.